The first time I was introduced to the idea of Tantra Sex was from American Pie 2 when Finch manages to get off to a tree. Clearly that is an extreme dipicition to create a funny moment, but still it became a apparent in my life. I would like to say I immediately ran to the computer to learn more, but I didn’t. The next time it was brought up was my first girlfriend, mentioning we should try it and going into a bit more detail of how it works. She described it as experiencing each other’s bodies without the goal of orgasm “or something like that,” she said.
Luckily I crossed paths with Grey, a Tantra Guide. Now instead of second hand descriptions of it, I was able to sit down with an expert in the field to learn what Tantra is all about. Hope you enjoy!
What is Tantric Sex?
Grey: Tantric sex, or the practice of Tantra, is totally unique in that it can be whatever its participants want it to be. For some, that looks like lasting for a long time, having multiple rolling orgasms, or triggering intense climaxes in a partner from touch/bodywork. For others, it’s a way to recontextualize past experiences, feel a deeper connection, draw closer to a partner or partners, expand their horizons; the answer is, simply, yes. It can be all of those things, and a lot more. But, if we want to go more concrete, Tantra is a series of practices based on ancient techniques and modalities, related to breathing, bodywork, energy work, and more.
Traditions of Buddhism and and Hinduism, the practice bears great historical significance in Eastern mysticism. Indeed, the Sanskrit word for Tantra equates to “system” or “theory”, but also “loom, weave”, and similar words – true Tantric practice is just that: using an existing/established system or theory to weave your own sexual future on a sort of metaphysical loom. And to briefly reiterate? Much of what you hear is true in terms of lasting longer, mind-blowing orgasms, earth-shaking stuff – that’s achievable with commitment and patience! (And it’s pretty damn fun, too.)
How Did You First Discover Tantra?
Grey: I was first introduced to Tantra when I was reading about kundalini and esoteric yoga from a very young age – it fascinated me, but I didn’t really understand it. I got married quite young and subsequently divorced only a few years later… that added a lot of static to my sexual persona and identity, and in that chaos I re-immersed myself in BDSM and Tantra, using them both to repair my own traumas and misgivings about sexual wellness and physicality in general.
As A Dakini (or Tantra Guide) What Role Do You Play?
Grey: As far as what role I play, it’s really customized. Lots of it is hands on – the breathing work, the bodywork, the yogic aspects – pretty hands on. But I find that most of the things blocking people from achieving the stability, growth, and bliss that they seek from Tantra are actually underlying things that can be addressed with traditional talk therapy and tough questions.
Really, it’s a balance… and no two seekers/clients are the same – generally it’s a combination of sorts. In my earlier career it was much more physical, but has been more effective balancing heart-to-heart discussion with the bodywork. 🙂
Are You In A Relationship? If So, What Does Your Partner Think Of What You Do?
Grey: I am, indeed, in a relationship! A lovely one, in fact. My partner is super supportive – I think she may have been a little weirded out or confused at first, but once she understood the impact that I’m able to have on clients, and even the impact i was able to have with her in terms of sexual recontextualization, she was all in. As the work has pivoted to more instructive, more talking, more therapeutic, I think the comfort level has risen as well, from her side.
I’ve Read That Orgasm Isn’t The Goal. Which In Most Cases Is The Goal When It Comes To Sex.
Grey: Orgasm is a fine goal, it’s just that there’s much more. There are different goal sets – there’s the surface stuff like lasting longer, stronger orgasms, multiple ones… but the higher goal (and the two are really aligned) is to look at a deeper connection with sexuality and the repair of past trauma. It’s a matter of removing roadblocks between yourself and your peak sexual, emotional, and physical potential. Once that’s underway… you start to see the real magic happen. This also dovetails with my BDSM work – recontextualizing everything from trauma, to the relationship with power, and beyond.
Interesting. So A Tantra Guide Not Only Works As A Sex Therapist, But A Psychiatrist As Well?
Grey: Well, can’t use that term even informally, muy illegal. But yeah, there’s definitely a huge therapeutic / counseling side to things. Tantra is incredibly effective in recontextualizing trauma and taking ownership over one’s sexuality, whether it’s there but needs to be accelerated, or it was somehow taken from them, or they never felt a sense of ownership in the first place.
What Qualifies You As A Tantra Guide?
Grey: I trained under the Institute of Intuitive Tantra for a time, also had a private Daka (female tantric expert) that I trained under for a long time. Much of the rest of it has been from exposure, sessions, personal experience. Like with the work itself, the learning is its own path which one self-defines with time and expertise. It’s important to have learned from someone to establish a baseline and be safe, but one’s practice also takes twists and turns along the way… like what I shared with weaving in aspects of BDSM, or it pivoting to uncovering traumas/helping people grow as much as doing body work.
When Did You First Get Into BDSM?
Grey: Recreationally, very young. Mid teens. Got serious about it and did work in that arena through 20s and thus far. The scene has changed a lot, and my desire to engage more fully in the scene came about after Fifty Shades of Grey came out – lots of misperceptions to correct at that time and also lots more mainstream interest… The perfect cocktail 🙂
How Did You Manage To Weave Tantra And BDSM Together?
Grey: Often this comes naturally as the work on both sides is really about recontextualizing a relationship with sexuality, power, energy, and more. Red Tantra straddles this line sometimes. Think of both as arrows in the quiver for a sexual transcendence of sorts.
What Is The Demographic Of Your Clients?
Grey: This is all over the place! Common themes however are couples seeking to deepen or repair relationships, middle aged men or women seeking to expand their sexual repertoires, younger people who are more open minded… With Tantra, other common themes include men or women who cannot achieve orgasm/have trouble with this, or men who wish to last longer in bed.
What Was Your Best & Worst Experience With A Client Or Clients?
Grey: Best would be any of the men or women who have resigned themselves to a life in which sexuality is practically a burden (at best), and exit the work with renewed self confidence, happiness, balance… In a few circumstances this has looked like tears of joy and expressions of awe.
Worst? That’s a tough one, there are several. The non fun answer is people who expect something different out of this… Be it something darker, or more physical, or expecting to use the skillsets to control or overpower others.
The fun answer is probably the time that a client wanted to bring a friend and showed up with 5 naked people and a grave misunderstanding of why stripping down was awfully premature. 😂